Something everyone really needs to understand is that the majority of those with Borderline Personality Disorder, desperately want to get better. I know I do.
Every now and then, my emotional disturbances sneak up on me. I can normally tell when I'm having an "edgy" day where everyone needs to kind of watch what they say and even then, it's pretty obvious that I'm going to be combative and shitty regardless. But once in a great while, I'll be tip-toeing through the tulips, smelling the roses, enjoying everything going on and then BAM angry city. Nothing provoked me. No one has done anything wrong or said anything wrong. My brain has just dealt an emotional seppuku because it was bored or I-don't-fucking-know but the aftermath of that random explosion can be quite brutal.
Here I am, I've yelled at my spouse. I get panicky, thinking "why am I saying this? He didn't do anything, just shut your fucking mouth!" but the other part of my brain (the irrational part) says, "No, he totally deserves these verbal barbs!" <enter evil villain laugh here> Then once I've finally quelled the beast, I am forced into a shame spiral that inevitably leads to thoughts of, "God, I just want to end this. End me."
My husband is the most amazing person I know. He is holding my hand and helping lead me through this unfamiliar and soul-crushing territory like he owns the place. I often feel like a small child, whether through action or fear, because I am completely unable to regulate myself. Those kids that I saw in the classroom as a child, that would scream and dart through the room, disrupting the class? I feel like that is my identity now but only a sliver of it through the other endless identities that I am still sorting through. I want to hug myself in a padded room and sway back in forth saying crazy people things sometimes because I have NO CLUE how to fix this. Fix me. And often, I feel like it is impossible to fix it. I mean, so many mental health physicians refuse to take on a space case like this because we, BP's, are so manipulative and "high needs." So, if a professional can't even take on my psychoses than who am I to believe that I could do any better?
All the books in the world and I feel like not even the biggest library in the world would have the literature to fix this.
Edited to add the following: according to a friend of mine (thank you, Jimmy!) NIMH says that only about 42% of those diagnosed with BPD actually seek treatment. So, perhaps I am somewhat of an anomaly in that regard. I know that it is painful to seek treatment for something that you are sure is everyone else's fault but if you would like to end the pain of losing friendship/relationship/breaking up family's, then you should absolutely look for help.
Rachel, BPD, Mama of Three, and also a Wifey
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