Hello, blog world. Long time no type. Not that anyone religiously follows this blog or anything but there has been a severe blogging deficiency on my part.
For starters, I was forced to resign from my previous job. I am now working for a mortgage company and am getting my butt kicked on a regular basis with new information but so far, I've greatly enjoyed it. The constant need to be moving and working and always a project has forced me to push aside the usual array of crazy thoughts and emotions and just... be. Those long drives at the previous job were making me a lot worse off than I ever knew. Then again, how does one expect to react to nothing but time to sit and stew in your self-loathing thoughts? So, the new job is great. Plus, no heavy lifting. Mental gymnastics, sure, but physically, I've turned into a potato.
That leads me to my second downside. My pain management doctor was raided and disbanded. I have been without consistent pain medication for several months now and for a time smoked marijuana to ease the trouble of being me. After I got my new job, I was forced to stop doing that as well because I didn't want to lose my job over something as simple as legalities. Damn backwards Oklahoma. Anyways, now we're back in the vicious cycle of doctor shopping. I have a very smart, very kind but VERY tough pain management doctor that I'd like to go see but unfortunately, he wouldn't take care of me while I was uninsured. Since insurance wasn't something that we had the luxury of adding to our budget until recently, I am stuck where I am currently. Which is miserable and... well, in pain.
My husband and I had a knock-down drag out just over a month ago and he said that he wanted to take a break. After some serious discussions and crying and efforts, we decided that neither of us was willing to give up on our relationship and our communication has gotten much better. Adding in the fact that my job has kept me so preoccupied that I have almost zero time to mope and I've become a much more pleasant person to be around. I still can't muster the energy to get past the lack of motivation, no drive to clean or cook dinner but I've made more of an effort to be available in the evenings for the children and for him. I've made an effort to have some kind of libido and not just expect him to initiate everything. I've gone to the store and done errands, become part of the budget decision making and so much more because he has been taking on the burden of my depression all by his lonesome. It was time that I stopped treating him like a crutch and more like my partner. It's been difficult and I've had a few setbacks... as you do when you are learning how to reenter society as an independent person again but overall, it's been an overwhelming success. I don't know what I did but I had let myself fall so far down the rabbit hole that I didn't even know which way was up anymore. Now, I feel like I'm climbing back up, stumbling every now and then but I have a compass and a flashlight this time. I'm not just blindly waving my hands in the air in an attempt to catch purchase but actually using the tools I was given to make my way back out. It's liberating and exhausting all in one. It is what it is though. And our relationship has never been stronger. Plus... lots and lots of sex, guys.
Lastly, there is a ton of drama surrounding my seven year old son's baseball team. The coach and his wife have handled it fantastically but there is this crazy bitch of a woman that has made all of the parents and assistant coaches/coaches sound like villains to the Mustang Baseball League Board. I don't even know if that's the actual name for it or not but whatever they are, I got a semi-scathing e-mail from one of them regarding how we were "overreacting" by calling the police (which is untrue and I had nothing to do with the true story) on this wench who actually took off with our kid's jerseys. As if that wasn't crazy enough, I found out shortly thereafter that she had told the coach and his wife that my son was still battling active cancer. Because for some reason, her little pea brain translated "he sometimes gets sick when he gets hot and this is why" to "he has cancer, I have to use this information to garner attention for myself" and ... well, it's quite possibly the absolute craziest thing I've ever beheld.
Now, a lot of this post is fueled by severe sleep deprivation, which I owe to my dear old friend "pain" and I am just barely keeping my eyes open with a Clockwork Orange type set up... but I did want all of the world, well, not ALL of the world, but the part of the world that is interested in my life and my whereabouts and whoseabouts and whatsabouts to know that I am still alive. I'm fighting and struggling and hating Borderline Personality Disorder and sometimes I REALLY wish I could just quit my job and become a full-time sleep study participant but ... those times when I'm not and my kids are loving on me and my husband is smiling at me and I'm not feeling like there is something missing... they are more than worth the effort to stay out of that stupid bed and live.
Don't go gently into that good night, folks.
Except for sleep. That shouldn't be violent.
