When Talent Turns Ugly

I've been working at my newest job for coming up on three months now. A few weeks ago, one of the managers came up to me and said that they were entertaining another job offer and that they had put my name down as a potential replacement since I had the skills necessary for the job and was a VERY quick learner. When this person ended up taking the job offer, I immediately went in to the general manager's office and told him that not only was I interested but I was also very serious about it and would be more than happy to turn this job into a career. He said that he would love to have me train for the position and I was supported by all of upper management and most of the guys in the back, since they know that I have talents other than just being a delivery technician.

From there, it all pretty much goes downhill.

Apparently, in today's age, if you are unqualified for a position but throw big enough of a stink, you can smush someone else's chances for the job, despite their qualifications. That is exactly what happened. Some of the guys that had been there longer (not necessarily a ridiculously long time but longer) than I have been, decided it was unfair that I was being given the opportunity. Which is crazy because all I did was put myself into the running. Instead of going about it the normal way, by all of us putting our names into the hat for the promotion, they flipped the fuck out. So now, they've made it pretty clear that they aren't qualified for the position just based on their maturity level but they've also made the general manager's spot so uncomfortable that he has to either piss off a group of prepubescent acting "grown men" or one employee who has only been there a couple of months. I have to say, if I were in his position, I would have made the same choice.

Obviously, I've been devastated by this decision. I no longer am getting the promotion and on top of that, neither are the idiots that staged this coup. The general manager has decided to hire someone from the outside, who exceeds all of our qualifications with a bachelor's degree in management. It wasn't necessary for the job, since the one before him didn't hold a degree of any kind... but it was the lesser of two evils and I can't help but fully support him in this position.

So, this brings me to my thought process. Since when did we all become incapable of understanding that the world isn't always fair? If they had always been interested in working up in the office (we usually work in the warehouse) then why hadn't they given anyone notice before this moment? If any of them had told me that they were interested in the position and held any kind of qualification (Excel/spreadsheet knowledge, Business communications, etc.)  that surpassed mine then I would have been understanding about the reasons behind him choosing them over me. But instead, they didn't put their names in the running like a normal, mature adult would. They didn't sell themselves to the manager. They went to him and complained about why I shouldn't have the job. All of these people and I had gotten along perfectly fine until this went down as well, so I have no idea what the reasoning is behind it beyond pure jealousy that I had a talent that they didn't have.

I don't know, maybe we could all use a little more class. I am positive that not only would I have been good for that position, I would have been great and on top of that, I would have cost significantly less money than someone with a degree. I'm not trying to sell myself short here, it's just the truth of the matter. I don't have a college degree. I have some education, even business education, but I am not officially qualified. So, now, they are spending even more money and wasting even more time to train someone else, despite my being trained for the job and being less money because some "grown men" can't handle being passed over for a small, intelligent and hard-working woman. Ridiculous, guys.

And this... is why we can't have nice things.

If You Knew...

If you knew that the person you were talking to, was a mere step away from pulling the trigger that ended their life... would you talk to them differently?

Would you still roll your eyes at them? Talk down to them? Treat them with more disrespect or would you make a concerted effort to speak to them with kindness, even if the words that you have to say are constructive criticism?

Would you ask the person whose smile doesn't quite reach their eyes if they are alright? Would you tell them that they were doing a great job or that you enjoyed their presence? Or would you brush past them quickly as you went to make your cup of coffee, ignoring them in the middle of their sentence?

Would you be quick to dismiss them when they tell you that they are having a rough day because you aren't supposed to "fraternize?" Or would you throw caution to the wind and ask them to tell you what was rough about their day and if there was anything you could do to help?

Sometimes, I see the better world that I wish it would be. I see it in the disrespectful words that I could change so easily or the haughty tone that I could transform into one of encouragement. I feel that pat on the shoulder, something so small that signifies a unity between persons. And it is a very sad world indeed that that isn't the one that we live in.

Today, it is socially acceptable to treat coworkers like they are nothing more than the gum between the cracks of your shoe. You are told over and over again to "work it out amongst yourselves." But this doesn't leave room for the people that are already working it out amongst themselves on a daily basis in the form of severe depression. There are some things that even all the Prozac and Lithium in the world can't contest. When you feel that the entire world is against you, that you can't even enjoy the career that you've chosen for yourself, or that every single step of the way is barred by unnecessary boundaries... it makes it even easier for us to give up.

Now, I'm not saying that if someone with depression were to commit suicide that it is somehow your fault. It's not. It is a decision that can only be made by them and ONLY them. But I will tell you this... there are days when I am struggling immensely in my own head and my heart is aching, that a concerted effort on someone else's part to speak to me with respect and dignity and god forbid, kindness... would make it less likely for me to fall into that blissful darkness. It would make me less likely to actually get around to pulling that trigger. It would give me the strength to fight one more day.

Just some food for thought.

This is Why They Make Fried Chicken Tenders

I have had a god-awful day. Today, I got the news that I didn't get a promotion that I had basically been promised. My best friend had bought me a "desk present" over the weekend and now it will sit on my home desk. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not disappointed or sad or even angry because I absolutely am. But the thing is, I am also an adult and I have to suck it up and move on. This company has become a part of me, a family even and I am not going to let one stumbling block get in the way of that.

Today, I discovered that my coworkers are amazing people. Although some of them are self-serving pricks (what job doesn't have those people? Most have them in spades, even.) most of them are very caring, giving individuals. When the news came down from upper management that maybe they had jumped the gun and I wasn't going to be sitting in my nice big office by myself after all, they rallied around me while I walked around the building crying like a little girl. They are amazing people. And they are becoming amazing chosen family.

I don't have my best friends around me. One of them lives in New Jersey and the other lives in Ohio and I only get to see them once in a blue moon. I mostly rely on text communication to say "hi" to either of them. So having a real, live, breathing human being hanging out next to me, draping their arm over my shoulders as I heaved big snotty tears down my shirt... was surreal.

Now I am going to spend the rest of my evening moping, sulking, crying and snotting while eating copious amounts of fried chicken and mashed potatoes; and perchance enjoying the guilty pleasure of America's Next Top Model. If this doesn't make me feel better about myself, I don't know what will.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl... and I'm Sorry...

I wish I wasn't depressed and frustrated on your first birthday.

I wish that my dad hadn't forgotten when your party was which sent me into a spiral of self-loathing plus homicidal tendencies. I wish I didn't feel like curling up into a ball and forgetting that my life exists as it is. But I am. And even though all of that is occurring and I am tired and frightened and wondering if I will ever be the mother you deserve, I want you to know that every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I will fight to be normal. I will fight to not be the disorder that exists within me. I will fight to be everything you could ever want and more.

So, happy birthday, baby girl. I love you. I will always love you. And I will always strive to be more for you but most importantly, for myself.

September 13, 2013 at 11:22 a.m. 7 lbs. 12 oz. 20 inches long. Skyler AnnMarie Caspers.

Grab The Red Bull By Its Horns!

My moods are seriously fluctuating tonight. Today has been relatively difficult, but comparatively... no, I'd say today was closer to the spectacular side of the spectrum as opposed to the "a plague on both your houses" side. So, why is this happening? 

This, my friends, is why you never, ever, ever, under any circumstances go off of your meds. We had an epic fail this week by forgetting to pick up my antidepressants for 24 hours.