I Think I Broke Myself

 
Thanks to Szitakoto at Deviantart for this picture. 

 I've had quite the day. I'm not entirely sure I know what has been going on today. Suddenly, it's 4:30 in the afternoon and I'm sitting here realizing that an entire day slipped by without me really acknowledging most of it. With as busy as I was, I really didn't get anything worthwhile done. At least, not anything that is tangible. I guess it's that instant gratification thing I was talking about earlier.

I had such promising thoughts to dictate earlier but, of course, I didn't get to the computer fast enough for me to jot them down. I can only remember a little bit about what I wanted to say.

So, the thing with the BPD is that it's been incredibly hard on everyone in my family. I wish it was something that could just be medicated away but it can't. Sure, antidepressants can help and I've noticed that other ones can as well but the most productive treatment is dialectical behavior therapy. Here's the thing about that: It's hard to find it. I'm already having a difficult time finding someone who is willing to take me on as a patient. In fact, it's kind of depressing that these "mental health professionals" not only won't help me, they won't even return my voice-mails to tell me who to turn to. Talk about kicking me when I'm down.

I was also thinking about the similarities between my brother and my quirks. There are several things that we have in common, things that trigger the "crazy." 

Examples: Neither of us are fans of leaving doors open when we're working or watching T.V. 
Why?: The best we can come up with is that when people sneak up on us unannounced as children, it was always to cause trouble and strife.

It is absolutely an environmental factor for me. Or at least that helped these symptoms to manifest as they have. After all, my brother and I were not only not the biological children of either of our parents but we weren't even adopted from the same family. Here's to hoping that sometime soon, this crazy, long-winded journey will include some kind of closure for all the crap that I was too young to remember and also the crap that was too painful to forget. 

Rachel, BPD, Mama of Three, and also a Wifey