I have always been prone to pretty terrifying nightmares. (I've also had hypnogogic hallucinations, although those seem to have subsided some since the last two babies were born for whatever reason. Not that I'm complaining.) In the link underneath the image, this person describes nightmares in ways that I couldn't put into words for myself, although there ends up being a religious spin on it which is something I won't do. They still have a very firm grasp on the pain and frustration involved with poor dream habits.
Many times, my dreams are so realistic (the rabbit hole is my own personal hell, it seems) that I wake up crying, shaking or thrashing at an invisible intruder. It isn't always the case, as sometimes the occurrence is so unbelievable that I wake up laughing. It's the other kinds that are doozies! I've often had a good friend of mine put his own interpretation on the nightmare, which has proven to be therapeutic. When you look at a nightmare and break it down into how your real-life stressors can be influencing it, it is easier to let go. Although often, it leaves me hesitant to go back to sleep thus repeating the cycle.
The reason I bring this up is because I figured that perhaps blogging the dreams would be another helpful layer of therapy that would allow me to work through my problems.
Two nights ago, I had two nightmares in a row. Korben also had a nightmare and had come crying into our room, where I told him to come cuddle up with me and I'd help him to feel better.
My first bad dream was about Korben getting kidnapped. We were at my old house in Mustang and he went to get the mail. For some odd reason, Zach and I fell asleep (in my brother's old room with my dad's old waterbed, ick) and when we woke up he was gone. (First off, this is never something I would do so that added a big heaping pile of guilt on top.) I panicked, searching for him but days went by. When I finally saw him, he was in the backseat of a blue 16 passenger van. I ran to the driver's seat, whose driver immediately jumped out and ran. I got Korben, who was curled up in a ball and crying, I asked him, "Did they hurt you?" He had been sexually assaulted. I remember the ball of rage that bubbled up out of my throat into a screech and I turned on the attacker. Before I could hurt him, the dream dissipated, leaving me without the closure I needed. Again, I was shaking and scared and snuggled as close as possible to my little man. It took me another hour of tears before I could fall sleep again.
This dream started out less realistically. My ten year high school reunion is looming ahead so it started out with Zach and I arriving at the "pre-reunion" party. A few bullies from my past were actually very kind and mature and were trying to gather funds for the actual party. I started to put down all of my small bills but then two one-hundred dollar bills and at least six twenties were knocked into the mix. (Intermission: I would imagine this is due to my fear of the massive investment we are making to buy a house. Who doesn't worry about money?) Anyways, I tried to follow Zach up to a set of giant concrete bleachers but the steps were too steep and my legs were like Jell-o. I hear a loud scream and everyone gasps but as I turn, I'm transported from the bleachers to my car and am trying to drive.
It's slick and icy but also flooded as I'm trying to drive home. So instead of making the trip to the apartment, I stop at my grandmother's house. (Which makes no sense seeing as how the apartment is merely two miles away from my grandmother's house.) When I walk in, my grandfather is standing by the fireplace, tending the fire. (He passed away in 2009.) For what should be a glorious reunion, I immediately note that something isn't right. He twitches awkwardly as he moves, he has a greenish-grey pallor and his legs don't seem to be functioning properly as if they are too weak to hold him.
My dad and grandmother poke their heads out of the dining area and inform me that they are going to brunch and since grandpa "can't be outside in his condition" I am to watch him and make sure he doesn't fall apart. My grandpa turns around and he looks like the slightest wind would make his skin slide off and appendages fall apart. He is still "in tact" but is so obviously fragile. I beg for them to stay. My brother comes out and says, "No, if I have to stay then so do you!" Grandpa hasn't said a word this whole time. When I sneak another glance at him, his eyes don't have the light that most of us would have if we were a true part of this world. Crying, I sneak off into my old room in this house. I'm sitting on my bed, curled up a giant blanket and trying to shake the feeling I have. It is so horribly dull and grey outside, like it gets when a bad storm is coming in. I hear my dad and grandmother leave. Shortly afterwards, the electricity goes out. I hold tightly to the blanket but I hear my grandfather walking towards the door. He opens the door but just stands there ominously, looking at me. I'm beyond terrified that if I move, the light will switch on in his head but not as my grandfather, more like a bumbling zombie that would attack me. I'm shaking and I need to move my leg because it is cramping but I can't. I'm frozen. Finally, after a long time, the dream dissipates and I wake up frozen and terrified. After several minutes, I am finally able to move again and wake up Zach to have him hold me.
To most people these seem silly and ridiculous and "how could that scare you, that couldn't possibly happen!" but the thing about my dreams is that even the most spectacularly impossible are portrayed as realistic. It can and does take me hours or days to shake the dream, as even now while I'm typing it, I continue to look over my shoulder as if I'll see my grandfather standing there looking at me through soulless eyes.
Moral of the story: Don't tease someone who regularly has nightmares. They aren't funny or stupid to the person that is facing them. It is like reliving old trauma or even experiencing trauma that you fear you will encounter. Your subconscious absolutely plays a part in how you operate. It affects your mood, energy level and so many things that can make it difficult to play the part of human being. So, if you aren't a dreamer (sleep dreamer, not life goal dreamer) try to relate to how a person that does feels. And if you are, here are some things that I have done to help shake it when it does occur:
1) Watch a funny movie.
2) Read a book. (This tends to work better than movie for me, since I am actively forcing my brain to think about something else.)
3) Try to interpret your dream. Could it have been something you watched? Was it a book? Somebody you randomly bumped into on the street? What are you stressing about? There are endless online sites to help you with your endeavor.
4) Sleep with a light on or if you don't usually, turn a fan on for background noise. The white noise tends to help you drift back to sleep instead of jumping at every noise that is made.
5) Try not to eat or drink anything too heavy close to bedtime. It's not 100% sure that food directly causes nightmares but sometimes certain foods can disrupt sleep which can then trigger nightmares. (Read more about that here.)
And as an aside, I'm more than happy to take suggestions or listen to the woes of anyone who bothers to read me. This may be an issue someday but if you'd like to send me an e-mail do that here: randombyrachel@yahoo.com.
As always, thanks for reading.
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