Organized Chaos for the Already Busy Mom

I've officially convinced myself that I am completely bonkers. I am a mother of three with two under two, I am working part-time for an accountant during tax season (which is really starting to drift into full-time work), I'm a full-time student and we are moving to our new house a week from tomorrow--whoa! As if I really needed any more of a reason to pull out my hair, I decided to go on ahead and try to train for the Color Me Rad 5K as well. There is a valid reason for piling that on top of it as well. For starters, it's never not a noble goal to try to get control over your weight and health. Second and most importantly, those of you who are parents (or also insanely busy) understand what I mean when I say that when inspiration strikes, you have to grab hold of it and run. (Ha, literally, in this case.)

I don't feel that I've overextended myself at all it's just that all of these projects are either starting or raising velocity at the same time which can occasionally make it feel a bit overwhelming.

For starters, the three children have lost their ever-loving minds. It's cold outside, which is not conducive to burning extra energy. It's not that I wouldn't let the older two go outside to do it, it's that we are still (for the next week) living in an apartment complex and I'm not 100% comfortable letting them go outside alone and the baby is far too young to be out in this. Well, too young? Maybe not. But too small? Definitely. This little pumpkin is still in newborn clothes at four and a half months old. She's still developing normally so she must just be born to be petite. (Lucky girl if that the case. Morbid obesity runs rampant in both of our families so we will still have to watch our children's food intake and activity levels as they age.) 

As for the working from home, that is something a lot of parents do and I feel wrong complaining about it... especially because I feel very lucky to have snagged this job. My boss is amazing for so many reasons. For paying me fairly and also for allowing me to learn an entirely new skill through her. Yes, maybe it's getting busy but I would do anything to help her out at this point. She's given me the opportunity to earn experience without ever having to pay a dime in daycare. Quite the achievement. 

As for school, it's become pretty clear that I have a dweebette hiding deep inside of me. It's been a while since I've been this anxious and excited to go to school. A friend of mine and I discussed the differences we've seen in the education system as time went on. It feels like each level of school keeps going further and further down the tubes in quality. My son has been learning the exact same skills for two years. In my college level courses (not entry level, there are prerequisites for each of these classes) a majority of the students can't write a complete sentence to save their life. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a bit rusty at getting rid of the fluff and focusing on formal writing but I know how to. These kids on our first assignment of the class (write an introduction to the class about why you are choosing to join the medical field in eight complete sentences or more) were writing in text speak (thankfully, the posts in question have been taken down since I first saw them) and/or "I'm just saying 'hi' on Facebook and don't require capitalization or punctuation. I'd rather have my run-on sentences any day of the week compared to that. Besides that, I think I've officially discovered my favorite professor of all time who happens to be my professor for two courses. How lucky am I? She is very into punctuality, proper grammar and also spelling which to me are all very important things as well. Hopefully, she'll give these babied children a run for their money. Or their parent's money, as it were.

Tomorrow, we should be given the exact time of our closing date. Zach has already spent some time packing up some of the things we don't exactly need but we have such a long ways to go. I'm a bit terrified of the prospect of moving all of my school work, my computer and the work documents without losing anything. Thankfully, we are using baby girl's room as a study for a few years so that I can finish my degree and keep organized. 

Lord help us.

Clear and Present Danger...of Keeling Over from Cravings

I decided that I was sick and tired of being fat. A friend of mine had the same epiphany earlier than I did and she is starting tomorrow, so I thought I'd go ahead and try along with her. I've got a nutrition tracker and seem to be about on par with carbohydrates vs. fat vs protein ratio but I have a long ways to go with portions. I'm currently eating what a man the size of Andre the Giant should eat. (No, not really.) After I added the fact that I am breastfeeding, I am currently 777 over on calories. Surely, the lucky numbers are a good sign that I will be successful in this new endeavor.

If only I can kick the damn tea habit.

Now off to prepare for my first college class tomorrow. (Holy scary, Batman!)

Super-Everything

For starters, my husband is amazing. I think that maybe in the past three years of our time together he has only taken two days off of work for an actual illness.

Nightmares, Busy Work and Overall Chaos

(Thank you to Grace Biskie for this image I found on Google.)

I have always been prone to pretty terrifying nightmares. (I've also had hypnogogic hallucinations, although those seem to have subsided some since the last two babies were born for whatever reason. Not that I'm complaining.) In the link underneath the image, this person describes nightmares in ways that I couldn't put into words for myself, although there ends up being a religious spin on it which is something I won't do. They still have a very firm grasp on the pain and frustration involved with poor dream habits.

 Many times, my dreams are so realistic (the rabbit hole is my own personal hell, it seems) that I wake up crying, shaking or thrashing at an invisible intruder. It isn't always the case, as sometimes the occurrence is so unbelievable that I wake up laughing. It's the other kinds that are doozies!  I've often had a good friend of mine put his own interpretation on the nightmare, which has proven to be therapeutic. When you look at a nightmare and break it down into how your real-life stressors can be influencing it, it is easier to let go. Although often, it leaves me hesitant to go back to sleep thus repeating the cycle.

The reason I bring this up is because I figured that perhaps blogging the dreams would be another helpful layer of therapy that would allow me to work through my problems. 

Two nights ago, I had two nightmares in a row. Korben also had a nightmare and had come crying into our room, where I told him to come cuddle up with me and I'd help him to feel better.


My first bad dream was about Korben getting kidnapped. We were at my old house in Mustang and he went to get the mail. For some odd reason, Zach and I fell asleep (in my brother's old room with my dad's old waterbed, ick) and when we woke up he was gone. (First off, this is never something I would do so that added a big heaping pile of guilt on top.) I panicked, searching for him but days went by. When I finally saw him, he was in the backseat of a blue 16 passenger van. I ran to the driver's seat, whose driver immediately jumped out and ran. I got Korben, who was curled up in a ball and crying, I asked him, "Did they hurt you?" He had been sexually assaulted. I remember the ball of rage that bubbled up out of my throat into a screech and I turned on the attacker. Before I could hurt him, the dream dissipated, leaving me without the closure I needed. Again, I was shaking and scared and snuggled as close as possible to my little man. It took me another hour of tears before I could fall sleep again.

This dream started out less realistically. My ten year high school reunion is looming ahead so it started out with Zach and I arriving at the "pre-reunion" party. A few bullies from my past were actually very kind and mature and were trying to gather funds for the actual party. I started to put down all of my small bills but then two one-hundred dollar bills and at least six twenties were knocked into the mix. (Intermission: I would imagine this is due to my fear of the massive investment we are making to buy a house. Who doesn't worry about money?) Anyways, I tried to follow Zach up to a set of giant concrete bleachers but the steps were too steep and my legs were like Jell-o. I hear a loud scream and everyone gasps but as I turn, I'm transported from the bleachers to my car and am trying to drive.

 It's slick and icy but also flooded as I'm trying to drive home. So instead of making the trip to the apartment, I stop at my grandmother's house. (Which makes no sense seeing as how the apartment is merely two miles away from my grandmother's house.) When I walk in, my grandfather is standing by the fireplace, tending the fire. (He passed away in 2009.) For what should be a glorious reunion, I immediately note that something isn't right. He twitches awkwardly as he moves, he has a greenish-grey pallor and his legs don't seem to be functioning properly as if they are too weak to hold him. 

My dad and grandmother poke their heads out of the dining area and inform me that they are going to brunch and since grandpa "can't be outside in his condition" I am to watch him and make sure he doesn't fall apart. My grandpa turns around and he looks like the slightest wind would make his skin slide off and appendages fall apart. He is still "in tact" but is so obviously fragile. I beg for them to stay. My brother comes out and says, "No, if I have to stay then so do you!" Grandpa hasn't said a word this whole time. When I sneak another glance at him, his eyes don't have the light that most of us would have if we were a true part of this world. Crying, I sneak off into my old room in this house. I'm sitting on my bed, curled up a giant blanket and trying to shake the feeling I have. It is so horribly dull and grey outside, like it gets when a bad storm is coming in. I hear my dad and grandmother leave. Shortly afterwards, the electricity goes out. I hold tightly to the blanket but I hear my grandfather walking towards the door. He opens the door but just stands there ominously, looking at me. I'm beyond terrified that if I move, the light will switch on in his head but not as my grandfather, more like a bumbling zombie that would attack me. I'm shaking and I need to move my leg because it is cramping but I can't. I'm frozen. Finally, after a long time, the dream dissipates and I wake up frozen and terrified. After several minutes, I am finally able to move again and wake up Zach to have him hold me. 

To most people these seem silly and ridiculous and "how could that scare you, that couldn't possibly happen!" but the thing about my dreams is that even the most spectacularly impossible are portrayed as realistic. It can and does take me hours or days to shake the dream, as even now while I'm typing it, I continue to look over my shoulder as if I'll see my grandfather standing there looking at me through soulless eyes. 

Moral of the story: Don't tease someone who regularly has nightmares. They aren't funny or stupid to the person that is facing them. It is like reliving old trauma or even experiencing trauma that you fear you will encounter. Your subconscious absolutely plays a part in how you operate. It affects your mood, energy level and so many things that can make it difficult to play the part of human being. So, if you aren't a dreamer (sleep dreamer, not life goal dreamer) try to relate to how a person that does feels. And if you are, here are some things that I have done to help shake it when it does occur:

1) Watch a funny movie.
2) Read a book. (This tends to work better than movie for me, since I am actively forcing my brain to think about something else.)
3) Try to interpret your dream. Could it have been something you watched? Was it a book? Somebody you randomly bumped into on the street? What are you stressing about? There are endless online sites to help you with your endeavor.
4) Sleep with a light on or if you don't usually, turn a fan on for background noise. The white noise tends to help you drift back to sleep instead of jumping at every noise that is made.
5) Try not to eat or drink anything too heavy close to bedtime. It's not 100% sure that food directly causes nightmares but sometimes certain foods can disrupt sleep which can then trigger nightmares. (Read more about that here.)

And as an aside, I'm more than happy to take suggestions or listen to the woes of anyone who bothers to read me. This may be an issue someday but if you'd like to send me an e-mail do that here: randombyrachel@yahoo.com. 

As always, thanks for reading.

Bad Dreams, Again

Being a White Female Liberal Democrat in Oklahoma is Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

But neither is being anything other than an old, male, straight Christian Republican.

An Oklahoma judge just did the right thing.

And is getting blasted for it.

It is no picnic being a Democrat in Bible Belt Oklahoma. Constant confrontation with assholes who preach hatred in the name of "Lord Jesus Christ." The truth though, is that they are all misogynistic assholes who want to blame their total lack of a moral compass on a book written by man. Depressing, isn't it? 

Well, here is another depressing story. A lesbian friend of mine (and get this, she hasn't even tried to hit on me, very wow--sarcasm for all of you dimwits) is having her children taken away from her just because the state of Oklahoma is so stuck in the prehistoric age that they'd rather two children be ripped from her custody and traumatized for life with abandonment issues than be raised by "the gays." How is it that grandparents can get grandparent rights but a woman who has been involved in these children's lives since Day One can't even get visitation rights? How fucked do you have to be in the head to recognize that this isn't in the best interests of anyone. It makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn to realize that this is what some "love the sinner, hate the sin" fuckheads want.

What exactly does gay marriage do to you directly? Not a damn thing. It's a religiously-fueled hatred that doesn't make a lick of sense and even if it did wouldn't fucking matter because the Constitution preaches the separation of church and state. Now because my blood is boiling from all the rage I'm trying to keep from spilling out into the masses, I'm going to share my friend's interpretation of Governor Mary Stallin's---er, Fallin's---response to the same sex marriage ruling.

"In 2004, the people of Oklahoma decided they weren't interested in equality or being decent human beings, so they blighted their state constitution by defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Sadly, 75% of Oklahoman voters supported this. Clearly, they cannot be trusted to vote in a sane manner that respects the rights and identities of all people. Henceforth, those who voted to amend the constitution to forbid same-sex marriage will have to prove they are in healthy, happy marriages in order to vote in the future. Single people and divorcees will not be permitted to vote. Those who voted for marriage equality will face no such restrictions.

Also, your governor sucks." 

Random Entry of Nonsense

Just so everyone knows, Kaboom! the stuff you see on T.V. that turns from purple to "white when it's clean?" It doesn't work much better than Scrubbing Bubbles brand so far. 

Magic Erasers? They're pretty awesome although I haven't had one work on Sharpie markers on the walls yet. 

Lysol Toilet Bowl cleaner? Life send and makes the bathroom smell kind of like mint chewing gum. (Which is weird but it's better than what MY bathroom smells like after icky boys use it.) 

We also finally got one of those Clorox toilet bowl brush thingies... is actually pretty awesome. But only because when you have IBS sufferers in your house, you don't want a toilet brush that can't just be tossed away. (Icky!) 

Also, I've discovered that Oxyclean really DOES work wonders on certain things. My husband's work clothes, for example, which are often covered in hydraulic fluid and oil. It can be really helpful to soak them in an Oxyclean soak and then wash them. It makes it a little less likely for the oil to seep into the washer and infect all of the baby's WHITE clothes with it. 

Anyways, just a random, I love cleaning supplies post from the weird-o cleaning supplies snob. Well, brand name cleaning supplies. I'm not a Suzie Homemaker of the Pinterest yet.

Rach, BPD, Mama of Three, and also -sometimes- a Wifey