So, today I discovered yet another fun-filled trigger for one of my rages. Sometimes, the triggers are trivial and unexpected that I almost don't catch that that is even what it is. And most of the time, it takes some real detective work for them because at the time of your episode, you feel completely justified in your reaction. From your head down to your toes. Chew on that, Meghan Trainor. So, to help along a few of my fellow BPD-ers (new verbiage and all!) I figured I'd give a few examples of random triggers that were almost overlooked.
1) My husband asking, "What do you need such-and-such for?" when I give him a grocery list.
This actually happened today and it was completely unexpected. The reaction was swift and brutal. He asked the question and I immediately screeched out, "NEVER FUCKING MIND!" and stormed off in the opposite direction. He, of course, followed me, asking what he did and when I was finally able to stave off the fury swirling around in my brain I figured out the answer.
Unfortunately, most of my childhood was spent trying to justify actions, thoughts, emotions and of course, purchases/needs/wants. "What/why do you need it for/feel that way?" was a constant precursor to the word, "No." Granted the no for materialistic things was a lot less invalidating then the constant, "You don't have a right to feel that way," it stuck with me as just another reason why I was a burden. Hearing it from my husband, a man that I trust completely and who is the biggest support in my life, makes it all the more painful and triggering. I don't think I would have the same reaction to a friend asking. With him though, I feel that he is questioning the validity of my wants and needs, which in turn makes me question my own emotions. Vicious cycle.
2) My husband not answering the phone in an "upbeat enough" way.
After some consideration, this one isn't really that surprising to me. I wouldn't have thought about it beforehand if my husband hadn't been such the BPD caregiver trooper that he is (still has a ways to go, like I do though) and brought up my reactions when I call him.
This one is an easy one to ponder on. I still struggle with trying to convince my father that I am interesting enough to listen to on the phone. I've actually tried time and again to call him to tell him about my struggles with BPD (and now bipolar disorder) and I am often ignored. I can't count how many times I've been in the middle of a sentence, stopped and asked, "Dad?" to see if he was listening and received no response for a good ten seconds. Then suddenly, like he's popped out of a trance, he goes, "Huh?" That is possibly the most invalidating thing that I have experienced from my own father. I want to believe that he cares for me but when I look at the difference between when I talk to him and our mother, it's night and day. My mother, while sometimes sharing different opinions than I am, actually cares to listen and will give me advice when I need it or will pick up on when I just need to vent. She is quite literally the best friend in the world... even though our past has been less than stellar.
Keep an eye out for your triggers, fellow BPD-ers. You would be surprised how helpful it is to tack down what some of your issues revolve around so that you can work them out either in therapy or with your partner or even in your own journal to write down how you are feeling and why. This disorder is a doozy and you have to be proactive about your involvement with your own treatment.
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