Rachel in the Sky with Diamonds... Out of One of Those Ring Vending Machines

I always end up starting these things out with, "One thing I can't stand about blah-blah-blah is..." and then I go on a tangent of about ten different things. This time I am going to try my best to stay focused on one issue and explain it to the best of my abilities.

I have been raped and was also molested during my childhood and every once in a great while, a flashback of emotions will hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so hard to put it into words but the best way I can think of to describe it is that it feels like I have done something to be ashamed of. That I am tainted and guilty and it makes my stomach twist into a knot. I suddenly have the urge to be covered from head to toe, definitely no shorts but pants on and the only thing that has been known to make me feel better with one of these episodes is when my husband holds onto me. It helps prevent that feeling that your body can get when it wants to explode off in ten million directions. 

I wish I knew what caused this sensation and I wonder if at any point during my treatment if I will be able to prevent the situations that trigger them so that I don't have to feel this way, ever again. It is a truly helpless feeling. Devoid of any hope. And it is not in any way helpful to my enlightenment of the disorder I was born with. 

If anyone that reads this blog (the four of you, ha!) have any idea of what this could be, I would be very grateful to get some reading material on it. Something to at least help the future occurrences, as I know that it will happen and I will hate it and I will again wish that someone or something could be there to help me figure out what in the hell is wrong with me.