Or something like that.
I figured that today I would make the effort to write something positive. Not because I'm in a particularly positive mood but I'm not in a bad one either and that is an accomplishment when you have BPD.
Last night, a pretty big thunderstorm came in. All three of the babies ended up in our bed. Thankfully, two weeks ago, we upgraded to a king-sized bed. It was weird being able to move around, get comfortable and not elbow somebody in the head. Skyler was laying in the crook of my arm, Tobe laid next to her, then Korben was snuggled up next to Zach. By the end of the night, Skyler was back in her crib in our room, Tobe was in the middle of the bed and Korben (who I thought was missing) had ended up at the foot of the bed tangled in the blanket... fast asleep.
Often times, I get overwhelmed by my responsibilities. I don't feel like I contribute as much financially as I could. Zach says it's okay but I don't feel that it is. I'm in school full-time most times. (Although right now, I'm only taking one class and thank God for that because it's a 2.5 hour lecture immediately followed by a 2.5 hour lab twice a week. Anatomy/Phys... ick.) But then there are these moments where everything perfectly aligns. The babies are being sweet to one another, snuggling and quiet. Zach is in a good mood and wants to hold me and make me feel extra loved. And that internal voice of mine that tries to stir up trouble is finally still. And that is why I fight every single damn day to be better. This family deserves me at my best.
But there was a time, not that long ago actually, where I didn't have any of this. I had Korben and he was a perfect little amazing man who was just beginning to teach me how to be amazing. That little guy went through so much and God help me, he makes me want to not be a complainer. (Sadly that isn't my nature, so it's still a lot of work.) But Zach and I were still dancing the line between friends and lovers. Tobe and Skyler weren't even a twinkle in either of our eyes yet. And it felt so hopeless. Like no one understood me. I try to remember that I am lucky. That I am loved. That there are people out there that are fighting this disorder by themselves and it's awful. And I hope that one of these posts can give them a little tiny ray of hope in an otherwise dismal day. You aren't alone. You may be single but you aren't alone. There is always someone out there that loves and cares for you and understands.
And I am more than willing to be that for anyone who needs it.
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