I've started reading a lot more on Borderline Personality Disorder. Also known as, BPD. For reasons that should end up being self-explanatory, I'll just use the abbreviation for now. (Also, if anyone bothers to read this damn thing, I apologize for the lag in between posts. I've been working, have three children and also seem to have developed carpal tunnel or something equally excruciating. Without insurance it makes it difficult to treat any of my psychoses and/or injuries.)
BPD is a personality disorder that is hard to diagnose because many of the symptoms are similar to that of several mood disorders. The diagnosis is still new and scary to me and so I've been doing what I do best: research, research, research. There are surprisingly limited resources that are local (not many therapists care to take on a case of BPD, seeing as how often the patients are the most needy and manipulative out of the entire bunch of mental illnesses) but the books/websites/online support groups are endless. In order to give myself a better forum and hopefully also become a beacon for others like myself (the newly diagnosed or the lost and in need of direction) I am going to try to outline my experiences with the new workbooks I've purchased and also give you some information regarding which websites, etc. are the best to visit. On top of that, I plan on giving everyone updates on my progression with this disorder and my relationship with my husband, my children and most importantly, with myself.
To start this, I am going to copy down something I wrote earlier today during one of my crisis (after I lashed out at my husband over something incredibly menial.) If you have something negative to say regarding the things that I say or do, please private message me. I am not in professional treatment at the moment but I am working diligently to become a person that not only I deserve but so does my entire family. Thank you for reading!:
I live in a world where my emotions make my life a living hell because I can't control them yet. I get angry and lash out and I don't know why. Then I watch as those who supposedly love me get angry and frustrated by my inability to react in a manner that is proportional to the problem, which to me just reinforces my inability to believe anyone would or should stay. If I weren't such a coward, I'd just kill myself and save everyone the pain of trying to fix me. I just bring chaos and ruin everything.
Surely my kids would be better off with a father who wasn't yelled at all the time, a normal stable mother (or mother figure) who wasn't so damaged and insecure that the entire household is disrupted by her mood swings. Or maybe I'm better off in an institution somewhere, too drugged to care.
He says he will always be there and doesn't mind helping me---but this is the the second day in a row he's been overwhelmed by me. I should have just left him alone and been miserable and alone forever. Or actually just offed my fucking self a long time ago. I mean, what fucking good am I? I'm a fat, useless, hated piece of shit and why won't anyone just put me out of my fucking misery?!
I guess I just don't see much point. My mind's insane thoughts never stop. Everyone must be tired of me or the lame excuses. Or each time we fight he's got to just be waiting for the moment that he can get away from me so he can go to his sane girlfriend, right? I mean that explains "everything." The lack of sex, the lack of affection. Except, no, it doesn't at all. It doesn't explain anything except that I'm too fucking fucked up to accept that I deserve him. It would be so much better for everyone if I just left. Or was hit by a car.
Before anyone feels the need to call the police or stage an intervention, I'd like to clarify that my husband and I do share EVERYTHING together. Meaning that when my emotions take me hostage and I'm feeling "suicidal" (which is rarely anything more than an outburst of depression and not actual suicidal tendencies) I am always open and honest with him and he is always helpful and keeps an eye on me. He monitors my medication and there are no weapons in the house that could be used in any manner above. Again, I am in treatment and have no intention to act out any of my thoughts during crisis. But also keep in mind that if you know someone with BPD that as many as 75% of people diagnosed with the disorder do end up committing suicide. Make yourself aware of the disorder and remain active in those friend's lives, despite their "manipulative" tendencies. It's actually much more serious and terrifying than you might imagine.
Rachel, BPD, Mama of Three, and Even a Wifey
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