Disappearing

Every now and then, I get this overwhelming feeling of dread. Shortly thereafter, it feels like my spirit is detached from my body and I'm just not even there anymore. It's an incredibly surreal and frightening experience. Normally, clinging on to Zach while he wraps his arms around me (blocking out all of the fear of outside influences) brings me back to reality. Until then though, it's very easy for it to result in a panic attack. Let me lay the stage for you:

I'm sitting down and watching a show when suddenly my heart bottoms out into my stomach. I get a tingling sensation all the way down my spine and my eyes get sort of unfocused. I start to get scared and feel as if my body is trying to tear off into a million directions. When I finally start to come back down from the fear, I'm usually pretty shaken and confused about what triggered it in the first place.

These experiences don't happen very often for me. When they do happen, however, it's easy for it to alter my entire mind frame for the day. As a BP, I can suggest for fellow BP's to ask for a hug from their "person" to bring you back down, at least at the beginning stages of learning to deal with BPD. For non-BP's, you can ask your BP if they are alright (Zach often asks me this when I seem to glaze over or look "startled) and if they need a hug or if you can do anything. Some people prefer not to be touched, especially if one of these events can trigger a panic attack so don't automatically grasp for them. 

And believe me, I understand that as a non-BP it can be overwhelming to figure out what your BP needs... but that frustration you feel is multiplied exponentially by the BP who even while they are present in their body can't seem to control any of their emotions or even "out of body" experiences. Imagine living in a world where you seem to be a passenger in your own body and you be able to understand a bit better. Be safe while disassociating!

Rachel, BPD, Mama of Three, and also a Wifey