We Get By With a Little Help From Our Friends... Who are a Thousand Miles Away

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” --Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

Sometimes, despite my best efforts, I can't get past the lack of motivation that comes with being depressed. I know last entry, I wrote a lot about the irrational thoughts and the severe fatigue but I didn't get a chance to write about exactly how much of my life the lack of motivation affects. How much guilt it manifests.

I used to have a lot of friends. I used to be extroverted... or more accurately, I used to be something resembling extroverted because that is what was expected of me in order for people to like me. As I've grown older, I've come to realize that I have to take care of my own wants and needs. However, the line between my wants and needs becomes blurred once the depression settles in. 

When does the line cross from need to want? I have no idea. But I do know that often I find that I'm at war within myself over something as insignificant as a trip out with my friend. I have the feeling that once I am with my friend I would find amusement and comfort in their company but in the few hours before I go to meet with them, all I feel is dread. I cast my eyes longingly at my office chair or the ever so captivating sheets of my bed and wonder why I ever made the appointment in the first place. I don't want to talk. I don't want to laugh. Well, that's not entirely true, I want to laugh but I don't want to put effort into making them laugh and that makes me feel guilty. How can I call myself a friend when I am using this person for the sole purpose of making me feel better? That isn't how friends work. I start to ask myself if I can pull it together long enough to get in a few witty quips for them. No, I don't think I can. After this conversation in my head, I feel even less motivated and even more sad. 

So one of two things will happen: First, I will go and be relatively miserable for the entire trip. I might laugh a few times. I might make them laugh a few times. Overall, I will feel overwhelming guilt because I don't want to be there in the first place. I will feel a secondary guilt for being out with my friend when I am sure that I won't be able to muster enough energy to spend on my family when I get home. The second scenario is the more likely of the two. I will call and cancel. Again, I will feel tremendous amounts of guilt for being "flaky" and cancelling on my friend.

What is truly sad about this (as many of you with depression are well aware of) is that those so-called friends of yours will probably exacerbate that guilt tenfold. At some point in the trip out, if you go that is, they will comment on your lack of interest or ask "why are you yawning so much?" or "why do you keep zoning out?" If you cancel, you may get the new friend title of "Flake." There is not much understanding that comes with depression beyond the professional field and even then, psychiatry is still a tween compared to other medical research. The requirement to "will yourself out of it" even if it is just temporary and for their benefit is way more settled in our society than the need for others to understand our needs to be the fuck alone.

 You can't force someone out of a depression and sometimes, the mere attempt to do so is more damaging than one would expect. To require someone to pretend to be something they are not, is telling them that they aren't good enough for you unless they are perfectly normal. They can't be damaged or unorthodox in any way. They can't be a "buzzkill" or "party pooper" or "enter your own insult here" because that makes us uncomfortable. We can't be bothered to look beyond our own little bubbles and see that an entire species of people exists with differences and needs. 

So the next time your friend cancels on you for the third or fourth or fifth time, instead of calling them rude and/or flaky, why don't you look beyond your own little world. Could they perhaps be suffering from depression? Could they perhaps be lacking the motivation? Could they just need something more low-key than you are willing to give them? Can you not put aside your expectations for one evening for them and maybe curl up on the couch in comfortable clothing and watch a movie or play a game or just... sit... do something for your friend that you wouldn't normally do? Because I guarantee you this, if you are willing to go the extra mile for me once in a while (and this is something that I have not experienced yet at all) then I would gladly, albeit with much effort, try very hard to put aside my feelings and distracting thoughts for one evening to give you the same treatment. I would come out of MY comfortable little bubble if you would do the same for me. Think about it and look at this cartoon for inspiration.